Ripped By mstoll
Genius, that's what it is, sheer genius.
Yeah. "You're first commission," he says.
"Get that story to me by the end of the week," he says.
Story? This is a watershed in English literature.
Ah, yes! It's got everything -
suspense, poetry, irony, atmosphere, lust,
philosophy, ambiguity, wit, wildlife,
profundity, paradox, good food, decent central heating...
...long words, short words, adjectives, full-stops, question-marks.
All packed into 36 pages.
Tolstoy took 900 pages to say that Anna Karenina had the hump.
Wagner took 26 hours of music to find a cuff link.
Ah, what a barnstormer!
7:15am - bang on deadline.
Langley Book of Horror here we come.
Please, please, please, like it, you bastard!
Here we go.
Hang on, I'm not sure about this.
I've never seen them collect from this box, ever.
I wonder if they bother collecting from these side-street boxes?
Better take it to the main Post Office, eh? Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Hang on, there's no number on it.
It's probably disused.
Don't be absurd!
Hold on! Hold on! Hang on!
Excuse me, the post box back there - you didn't collect the mail.
- Well, it's not on our round, mate. - Oh!
Oh, there'll be somebody else coming by, will there?
Yeah, course.
Erm, you don't ever forget, do you?
I mean, it being down a side road, you know, could easily miss it.
No, it's all on the rota. We tick 'em off as we go.
That's right. Mind you, we have forgotten a couple of times, haven't we?
- Have we? - Yeah, remember? That pools coupon.
- Oh, yeah, that's right. - Eh...
- Well, we're only human. - What?
Actually, let's face it, sometimes we just can't be fagged.
You know what they do with the post in Italy, don't you?
- What? - They dump it in the Tiber.
It's a well-known fact that in Malaysia, they chop it up with millet
and feed it to the warthogs.
You've posted it. There's nothing you can do, so stop worrying.
I bet they haven't collected it. I mean, what is the point in having a national postal service?
We may as well go back to using pigeons. Why bother to post at all, eh?
Let's cut out the middle man.
Here you are, Mr Langley, here's Colin Watkins' next masterpiece, hot off the press!
- Colin? - What?
- I've just had a brainwave. - What?
No.
Tell me!
No, it was a momentary malfunction of the brain. Let's drop it.
I just can't stand people who sort of dangle the bait and then fish it back. What?!
It's crazy. Insane. Totally off-the-wall. Let's just drop it.
Speak to me, woman!
How about phoning Langley tomorrow to check if he's got it?
Hello? May I speak to John Langley, please?
- 'Who's speaking, please? ' - Colin Watkins.
I'm afraid he doesn't get in until 10:30.
Oh.
- Oh, is John Langley there, please? - 'Who's speaking, please? '
- Colin Watkins. - 'Just a moment.'
'I'm afraid he's in a meeting - any message? '
Erm, no, no, I'll try a bit later.
What about tomorrow morning?
'He's got to go to Thames Television tomorrow. He's got a meeting there all morning.'
I don't believe it! Sorry, you can't have your heart transplant right now,
- the surgeon's in a meeting! - 'Hello.'
Dying's a bit inconvenient at the moment, perhaps we could squeeze it in next Tuesday?
'Hello? '
All I wanted to know is whether he got my story. I sent it on Monday.
- 'Yes, he has.' - It was the one about a guy who...
Yes, I know which one it is. Out of Commission by Colin Watkins.
Mr Langley will be in touch as soon as he's read it. Goodbye.
One week!
I mean, why does it take so long?
Sorry, Mr Watkins, we can't just read your story straight away - it's not as simple as that.
First, there's an investiture ceremony...
then we leave it on a shelf for a while to harmonise with the atmosphere,
then we send it to the Swiss Alps for ten years to be air-cured in a smoking hut.
Then and only then do we skip read the first five lines.
Jesus, it's not off the hook, is it?
Thank God for that!
Suppose if he was trying to get through just then?
No, no.
Play it cool, Watkins, play it cool!
Don't want... don't want to seem too eager.
Aaaagggh!
Aaaagh!
Hello? Hello?
'Colin? '
Oh, Jen, it's you!
- Was that you just then? - 'When? '
- Just now. - No.
- Well, who was it then? - 'How the hell am I supposed to know?
Look, I haven't got long. Sarah's just phoned.
She and Richard have just got back from Bengal. They flew in yesterday.
They want to know if we can go over to dinner tonight.'
- I can't! - Well, why not?
- I'm waiting for the phone to ring. - 'Wasn't that good enough for you just now? '
Langley, Langley! I still haven't heard from him.
'Well, if he can't get through to you tonight, he'll phone again tomorrow.'
You have no idea. You haven't got a clue. You know nothing!
These guys, they give you one shot and that's it. They just haven't got the time.
They've got lots of important people to ring
and meetings to be in and Thames Television to go to. I'm not leaving this phone!
'Colin, I haven't got the energy. I'll pick you up at 7:30, OK? '
Believe it or not, I took this one with a simple old Hanimex.
Oh, God! I bet Langley's been trying all evening.
His fingers have probably got blisters with dialling.
He's probably ringing now, at this very moment and I'm not in.
I'm out! I'm here!
...You don't get anywhere else in the world.
For Chrissake, how much longer are we going to keep looking at
this bloody washerwoman with a pot on her head?
Just look at those colours. Your magazine's going to be thrilled with these.
I can honestly say that this was my most enjoyable job to date.
- I mean, look at her - amazing, isn't she? - What material is her sari made of?
Bri-Nylon.
Mulberry silk. The whole thing's hand-made.
Do they mind having their pictures taken?
Not really. You've got to be careful with the older women.
They tend to be a little more self-conscious.
Turn that bloody page, woman!
That really is gorgeous.
Look, there's nothing to dawdle over- washerwoman, pot. That's it. End of story.
There's not even a view- she's standing in front of a brick wall.
Get moving!
Oh, thank God for that!
I don't believe it! More bloody washerwomen!
- We took quite a few of these. - Is that gold embroidery?
- Yes, didn't you see it on the woman before? - No, I think I missed that.
Oh, no! We're going back. I can't bear this.
Look, look, look, Sarah, Sarah...
your arm must be knackered after all that page-turning,
and you haven't had any coffee yet. Why don't I take over for a bit?
- No, it's all right. - No, no, please! I insist.
Right. Right, now...
Where were we?
I think we've missed a week.
- Ah, now that's the market at Ranigangj. - Oh, Richard, isn't that Bhagalpur?
Oh, yes, of course. That was the Thursday.
There - first glimpse of the Himalayas.
Ah, now this is the mountain railway, it starts at...
- Never mind, this one's of the road to... - Hang on, Colin!
- I think you turned over two pages! - Colin!
Whoa, Colin!
Sorry. I...
I was... I was just acting the clown there... Erm...
I'm absolutely shattered, in fact.
Yes, well, we didn't mean to drag you through all these - you should have said.
It is boring wading through other people's photos when you don't want to.
Well, no, it's... it's frustrating not to be able to appreciate them properly.
I'll order you a cab.
Look, er... the pictures were fantastic, you two. We'll catch up next time.
Jen!
Jennifer!
Oh, God! I don't think I can take a sulk tonight.
Look, leaving me out on the landing's not going to prove anything, is it?
If you want to open the door in the morning to my hideously unshaven face
and snoring body, that's up to you.
Look, this is childish.
The moment you realise there's no more wine to guzzle or food to stuff down your throat,
and that you actually might have to make conversation,
you just sabotage it for everyone else.
Next time, I'll bring a dummy and a rattle. That is if there is a next time!
I was dying to get away - he might have phoned.
Oh, I see - number one rules as usual.
Well, thank God they took it so good-humouredly.
Yes, well, they would, wouldn't they?
They'd never be rude back, cos they're so bloody perfect!
Anyone with an ounce of decency would have told me to piss off.
They're just like their house, aren't they? Nothing awry or out of place.
Did you spot any skid marks in the toilet bowl?
Or apple cores down the sofa?
And what about that battery of French saucepans hanging in the kitchen
in ascending order of size! God! I wanted to jumble them up.
I'm going to bed!
Jen...
Look, I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean them to take it that way.
Look I'll... I'll ring them in the morning, erm...
Straighten things out. No, no, better still, I'll go round and see them in person.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's the plan.
Look, about last night, I'm sorry if you got the impression I was bored with the photos.
I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that last night had been boring.
Sorry about last night - I hadn't meant to imply you were boring.
Ah, hello, Sarah. Sorry you were so boring last night.
She's desperate, Jen.
Look, I really feel for Sarah, but, I mean, this isn't the first time.
Richard had a "thing" with another student while he was lecturing in Amsterdam,
just after they'd started together and I told her he'd do it again, but she wouldn't listen.
It's so out of the blue. I mean, they'd been five years together.
One minute she's lying there in bed yawning, waiting for breakfast in bed,
next minute she sees the note on the kitchen table. I mean, what a way to start a Sunday!
I get suicidal if they forget to deliver the colour supplements.
I just don't think it would be a good idea to have her over tonight.
I mean, she's going to be in a terrible state.
I think it would be better to wait till she's settled down a bit.
Jen, that girl needs somebody now, to talk to.
Doesn't seem to have many friends - they're all through Richard.
Richard! I knew there was something about him, you know.
All that poise, all that smooth, charming self-assurance.
You just scratch the surface a bit, you soon find the maniac.
I know the type. One minute they're sitting there sipping Sancerre,
looking at their David Hockney prints with Vivaldi tinkling away in the background.
Next thing you know, they're charging past the delicatessen counter in Safeway's
wielding a chainsaw!
Now remember, if being alone in that house is too much for you,
- you can always bed down here. - I don't know how to thank you.
I was near the brink this morning.
Well, bye. And be tough, hm?
- No phoning Richard. Promise? - Promise!
Oh!
Oh! Jesus wept! It's three thirty.
Eight and a half hours that took.
I mean, it's a relatively simple concept, isn't it?
He's two-timed her twice before and therefore is not to be trusted again.
Eight and a half hours!
That's five Cup Finals live in succession.
I could have flown to Nairobi.
Or boiled an egg 623 times!
Oh, well...
At least that's the Sarah Venables' file closed at last.
Another life sorted out.
Yes...
Colin Watkins -
sage, shrewd observer of mankind,
problems solved, traumas set in perspective,
healthy philosophical attitudes dispensed.
Windows cleaned.
Now, next item on the agenda for next week.
Mr John Langley.
Right. Now...
He's had the weekend.
Tomorrow. Yup. That's when he's going to phone.
Wake up - bed!
For you, Col. Personal call. Didn't recognise the voice.
At last!
Thank you, God.
Hello?
'Colin? It's Sarah.'
Oh! Oh, hi, Sarah.
- 'Ls this a bad moment? ' - Erm, no, no, no, no.
'I phoned Richard.'
What?!
'I had to.'
- But, look, I thought we'd agreed that... - 'I know, but it was so difficult!
I got home and I realised... '
This is the is the toughest stage. We discussed that.
'I had to speak to him. I wanted to hear his voice.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ring you at work. It's been so difficult.'
Col...
'Colin, I'm so sorry! '
Get a load of these paps, like the bleedin' Guns of Navarone!
Come on, Langley! Come on, phone!
Ring! Dial!
Seven digits, seven, lousy numbers, that's all it is!
It only takes about ten seconds.
- Hello? - 'Hi, Col! '
Oh, Des! Er... What is it?
- 'Oh, just phoned for a chat really.' - Well, that's obscene!
'Eh? '
No, it's not - it's morally repugnant.
'Oh, steady on Col. I mean... '
Oh, what has come over me?
Oh... Look, Des, mate, I'm sorry about that, I don't know what...
'Colin, it's Sarah.'
Oh, hi, Sarah.
'I'm terribly sorry I broke down like that today. I made a complete ass of myself.'
No! No, no...
'I hate to ask, but would you mind if I popped over for a short while tonight? '
Erm...
'There are one or two things on my mind I've just got to get clear.'
No, no, that's... No, that's fine...
'Have you got anything planned? '
Just an early night, that's all.
- 'Lt'll just be for half an hour.' - Mm.
I suppose what it all boils down to
is that I wished we'd discussed it together, openly.
God, I feel a yawn coming.
All that time in India I thought things were going so well.
Work was taking off at last, we were happy...
And all along he was just waiting for the moment to break it to me.
You can't yawn, Watkins, this girl's pouring her heart out to you.
He couldn't just come out with it, could he?
Just like all people who can't face handling the truth.
It's such a relief to have someone who listens.
Richard never listened, not properly.
Get a grip, Watkins, for crying out loud!
Sometimes he was shy of emotional confrontation, other times he'd lose interest.
No, Watkins, no!
Fight it! Beat it down!
I suppose we're just different types of people.
The number of times I'd be wanting to thrash things out with him
and all he wanted was a good night's sleep.
Aah! Thank God for that!
I'd have him back tomorrow, Colin, on any terms.
Because, whichever way you look at it,
I just can't stop being in love with him.
When I woke up this morning, I was...
...I was in a living hell.
I mean, there is a part of me that says, "Sod it, look after yourself now!"
I mean, the sooner I get back to work again the better.
Please go away.
If the right sort of work was coming in at the moment...
"Please, I'm drained.
You've squeezed my last drop of sympathy out of me.
I'm finished. You're flogging a horse that kicked the bucket hours ago.
The flies are buzzing round my decomposing haunches and you're still laying into me.
...the tiniest little objects.
But you're absolutely right, there is no point in hanging on.
No, so bugger off and leave me alone!
...is his not being able to just sit down
and discuss the whole thing with me from the start.
- Sarah, we've been through this before. - If we'd talked about it openly...
the two of us, I could have accepted it.
By the way, I'm not keeping you up, am I?
No.
Yes! My God, yes!
If ever I've been kept up in my life, it's now.
All the other times pale into insignificance.
On a scale of one to ten for keeping people up you get bloody thousands!
Why couldn't he tell me there and then? It's just not in him, I suppose.
Look, I'll make a quick coffee. You keep talking. I can hear you through the hatch.
So, I get to hear about it afterwards - four months afterwards.
Four months of utter pretence!
I mean, why did it take him so long?
He couldn't decide, that's probably why.
That's when she butts in - all those "obvious" messages on the answer-phone.
And, of course, none of this would ever have happened
if he'd just had the courage to be honest.
Just discuss things together - is that too much to ask?
Yeeeess!!!
Are you all right, Colin?
Er, I've just, er...
I've just out of milk, that's all.
That's why I think it's not going to work with them. It's not going to last.
'I mean, it's just not capable of lasting.
I mean, they are going to run out of things to say to each other sooner or later.'
Yup.
'And the tragedy is, Richard can't see it for himself.'
Yeah.
'Lt's extraordinary. I don't know if I told you about the time when...
It was before that girl in Amsterdam that I told you about and, erm...
He was going out to dinner. And he said, "It's a business dinner.
So you stay here. I won't be late. It won't be a late evening.
It'll be about ten thirty."
So at about half past two, I was still sitting there waiting... '
Yeah!
'Anyway, he came in at half past two and the extraordinary thing was, I didn't say anything.
And I realise now that I should have started challenging him then!
- I mean, if I'd done things like that then... ' - Yeah.
'Lt wouldn't have got to this scale.
And, of course, he was smelling of this extraordinary perfume.'
- Is that Sarah? - 'I didn't say anything. I realised... '
Colin, this has got to stop!
She is sucking you dry.
I mean, I've done two shifts this week and that was quite enough.
I mean, it's one thing helping, it's another being ground to a pulp
by someone who tries to hypnotise their way out of a truth they can't accept.
Look, as far as she's concerned, the sun still rises and sets on Richard Venables
and nothing you or I can say will change her mind.
I know, I know! But somebody has to listen though.
'... Richard just hasn't got the nerve.'
She is getting a kick out of the whole thing.
I don't see why we should be subjected to it. Colin, this is for our own sanity.
Stop playing around, put the phone back in, please. I'm waiting for that call from Langley.
Phone him yourself and get it over with. You've got his number.
Are you serious? Me phone Langley at home?
- Well, why not? - You...
You just don't understand, do you? It's a cast-iron certainty.
I am bound to catch him at the wrong moment, aren't I?
While he's in the bath or on the toilet, or talking to somebody important,
or watching his favourite programme...
We take that risk every time we pick up the phone.
He's really going to love my story then, isn't he? Eh? Who wrote this?
Oh, yes, that pushy, despicable hack who had the audacity to ferret out my home number
and then vandalise my one peaceful moment of the week!
He'll probably talk about me to other publishers. I'll be blacklisted! I'll be a leper!
They'll walk pass me in the streets and start poking me with sticks.
Finished?
- Jen, what are you doing? - Phoning Langley.
- No, you're not! - Yes, I am!
Give me that - I want to phone Langley!!
- You are phoning nobody! - Give it to me!
Colin!! Come back here!
- Jen, Jen! - Aagh!
Colin, give me that phone! Colin, Colin!
Colin!
Ooh!
"Have given up and gone to garden centre. Trust both you and phone had a nice day."
Now... you listen to me.
I've always played ball with you over the years, phone, me old china.
How about a little bit of a favour from you, eh?
The next time you ring,
I want John Langley on the end of the phone, not Sarah Venables.
Do you get it? John Langley - yes. Sarah Venables - no.
Monsieur John Langley - oui. Mademoiselle Sarah Venables - non.
Sarah.
Hello, Colin.
I'm sorry to come round like this,
but your phone was out of order.
Colin, I need your help to make a decision.
Well, fire away.
Well, you very kindly said that if being alone in my house was difficult for me,
I could come and stay here for a while until I'm more settled.
Did I?
Well, the thing is, my editor's just phoned. They're offering me an assignment in Kenya.
Somebody dropped out at the last minute and the flight leaves this afternoon.
Well, what do you think, Colin? Should I come and stay with you or should I go to Kenya?
I'd never have made this flight if it hadn't been for you.
You've helped me pack, locked the house, made all those calls to British Airways.
- It was nothing. - I just hope I've made the right decision.
- Of course you have. - I don't know.
I'm getting that apprehensive feeling again.
Why?
I don't know anyone out there for a start.
But Kenya's full of people, Sarah. They're a great lot, the Kenya mob.
Mate of mine came back from the Serengeti, said the partying never stopped.
I mean, you know how important your work is to you.
Well, once you get that professional stimulus, you know, back in your life,
it'll all fall into place.
You really shouldn't have come all this way. I could easily have picked up the Airbus.
I wanted to make sure you got on that plane.
The least I can do.
Now, wait a minute. It can't be Sarah. I saw her get on the plane meself.
Unless she parachuted out. Absurd, Watkins!
Jen? No, it can't be Jen, she's down the garden centre.
Des - he plays football today.
Oh, no! It can't be!
It is!
Aaaah! Aaaah!
It was him! It's so obvious it was him!
Oh!
Jen's right! I'm going to stop pansying about.
I'm going to phone him.
Right.
I can't do it! I can't do it!
Now, come on, Watkins. Come on, work it out.
It's 12:30 on a Sunday.
He can't still be in bed. He must be out of the bath and it's too early for lunch.
Oh, bloody hell!
Now's as safe a time as any.
Who the bugger is it?
Yes?
Oh, hello, John. It's, er, it's Colin Watkins here.
How are you?
'I'm fine. What is it? '
Erm, well, I just... I just wondered...
I just wondered what you thought of my story? Erm, you know, the one I sent you.
Er...
Look, Colin, it's a bit difficult right now.
Why don't you come into my office next week and we'll discuss it then?
'Yeah, yeah. That'll be fine.'
How about...
...Tuesday?
Eleven o'clock. I'll see you then.
Fine. Bye.
I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, Colin.
I'm afraid I haven't had a chance to read it yet.
Ripped By mstoll